Kristin Bennett

I am convinced that it is what I need to do. I am working on a book that will touch on a variety of my life experiences that I occasionally ramble about that consistently lead people to look me dead in the eye and tell me that I need to tell my story. I’ve been told this by “Intuitives” who read this in my Chakras, friends, strangers, and many many more. I have held back in part because the sheer amount of intense stories I have intimidate me.

Anyway, I have gotten started and already had to stop, at least for today because I got to a part of my life that I do not have clear memory of. I have lots of random ‘scenes’ that pop up but don’t clearly fit together in my head. It is an interesting challenge to make a story out of the past with this kind of memory. At this point I am going to be digging for some of the old journals, though I know these do not tell the whole story, this part of my life I had no privacy and my journals were being read by other people daily and so were written in a way that they would be reading what I interpreted as content that would get me out of the situation. It had nothing to do with what I was really thinking and feeling in other words but I am hoping that it will still trigger some kind of memory so I can tell the story.

If the journals don’t help then I plan to write all those little excerpts and maybe that is how I will write them, it will be a kind of random set of memories that can be read as I remember them and maybe writing them like that I will find some kind of structure, I figure if I don’t then it just means they are meant to be communicated like this though.

I will also soon be writing some other ebooks with my husband for our other new site “A Niche To Scratch” as we are working together to help people to do what they are driven to do, and monetize their niche in life through the internet in ways that make sense.

Back to the life stuff though, I am thinking I might have to scan parts of the journal to put into the book as well as pictures.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I sure did. I was home with my girls and my husband who did ALL of the cooking in a wonderful couldn’t be better way. We did a little video of what we are grateful for and everything. Loved it as it was the best Thanksgiving ever, no pressure, no drama, all love. We spent the rest of the weekend having fun visiting family and running errands, it ended too soon.

Intensity seems to bear little children that can just gnaw at us. For me, the loudest of these little rascals is on my right arm. From the middle of my forearm to the top third of my upper arm, the part of the arm that the sun can see if I’m wearing a tank top, I am feverish. That feeling, when one has a fever and the skin is very sensitive, painful even to touch is what I mean by feverish. It came about today, and I’m hoping it just stays where it is and fades away rather than spreading through any other part of my body.

Whenever this happens, I take an inventory of what might have caused it. Usually the first things that come up are the stressful elements in my life. Yesterday my 6mo baby got vaccinated. Debates about this topic run rampant, and up until about a week ago, I was not one of the people who supported vaccinations. Fears run rampant on both sides of this debate which does not help someone like me who is looking for a true journalistic overview of the pro’s and con’s. I believe this is because the research is lacking but I won’t go into all that now. I did decide to do it and another article I wrote earlier today details that so I will move on.

Over the past 3 weeks, I have been getting used to a new diet as well. My ND did a lot of tests on me, tests I had never had done before using hair and blood samples to test my nutrient levels, allergies, and other stuff related to that. I found out that I am very reactive to a variety of foods, most common of course are the gluten, eggs, dairy, soy, and a surprising number of nuts and grains. Point being, my diet has made a major transformation recently. Even more so when you add in some of the other variables, like how deficient I was in certain things like Lithium, Potassium, Sodium, and I was told that even my Cholesterol was too low even for my body to replace any myelin that my immune system might have taken a bite out of. So the closest mainstream diet to describe what I can eat is the Atkins, though I’m not eating beef, eggs or dairy. Point being, it is frustrating that despite all these good changes, my arm feels funny. Interesting too is that the nutrient deficiencies have symptoms (as seen in the links) that are virtually the same as any symptoms that I have experienced with MS.

Another new part of my life is this monthly infusion that I started last week, and will be getting monthly for at least another 6 months called IVIG. My experience getting started with that was a good one, almost scary, but someone figured out that some of the math was wrong before it became an issue.

Money is still a stress as well, applying to jobs is difficult when I am distracted with the number of doctors appointments and problems on my plate. I’m a few months behind on daycare, and while it is tempting to pull her out, at the same time I certainly won’t be more productive and say a job does come through, that would be a whole new challenge in itself. Not to mention my work involving my passion of building and growing the online MomsWithMS project I started a few months ago, it feels like my destiny and anything taking me away from that, my kids, and telling my story feels like an interruption. Fortunately my husband has had some good leads for jobs which is exciting for both of us. Though when the water heater broke (2 days ago) it was comical how close to being ‘out’ of money we were.

Painting is something that can benefit our situation a lot. I am a graduate of Parsons School of Design and even since before I attended that school, painting has been a way for me to express what I couldn’t communicate with words. I’m working on improving my written language but I am absolutely enjoying the painting. It is funny though, because I decided the other day that what I should do, is paint some paintings with my daughter involved somehow, and sell those on etsy. I have 2 that we have gotten started with, just little 12in x 12in squares with our hands outlined and some different colors of paint. I have not listed nor completed the paintings though because they are so directly coming from my heart that it hurts me to think about sending them to someone else. Though that is the reason we worked on the paintings together was purely to sell them, and she was supportive and actively participating with it, I have a hard time, because for me they are a part of our story, and they are so personal, so impactful to me.

I’ve been told that I’m lucky, and to a point I agree, in the way that I don’t really ever let any of this ‘really’ get me down. I am going to keep working on these paintings, maybe I’ll have to save the first two, and then make some new ones to sell. I have about 6 more mounted canvas to work with and lots of beautiful paint. I’m going to keep writing until my story comes out as well, which I’m just getting started with but I’m having a blast.

I have a secret too…even though I love my peanuts and honey wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla, (my favorite snack that it turns out I’m allergic to), I am loving my limited diet. Most days I’m only eating 2 meals a day, either because I am full for that long from eating Amaranth Meal and Bacon, or because I can’t find anything to eat and coffee keeps me going for a pretty long time by itself. I’m also lucky because my husband actually is enjoying the challenge of making a more limited selection delicious for all of us. Tonight we had some delicious salmon, rainbow chard, cauliflower with my favorite mushroom dressing on it, and some acorn squash that I put cinnamon and blue agave nector on. That would have been enough tonight, but it wasn’t this time, I was pacing through the kitchen wracking my brain to think of something sweet I could munch on. I was fantasizing about some dried dates or something similar to stave my sweet tooth.

Then…I remembered what I bought, for just this kind of a starving sweet tooth moment. See, there is a store here in Seattle (maybe elsewhere too, I don’t know), called PCC. I have been joking about how it went from my favorite, to my only place to shop for food since learning about my dietary limitations. Last time I was there, though I tried to focus on the staples, this little canister caught my eye…pure organic cocoa powder. So my husband and I dug until we found it, and then I followed the directions using my coconut milk, (almond, soy, and dairy are off limits, rice is limited as well), and then added some blue agave nector to it made the absolute best hot cocoa ever. Even better, as the milk was heating on the stove, I found a knife and cut an avacado in half, which I sprinkled salt on and ate before I was drinking any of the cocoa.

Salty satisfying avacado to prepare for the ultimate chocolate indulgence was amazing. Next time I’m going to add a little cayenne pepper though. I used to go get a good spicy mocha all the time at a local coffee shop here but my wallet has told me to not do that so much. Making it was such an ultimate indulgence that maybe some people feel when they cook as well, just knowing exactly what I was putting together, and knowing exactly what I would/could change if the flavor wasn’t quite right was divine.

It was the perfect nightcap.

I’m sitting here with my 5 month old baby girl in my lap. My almost 4 year old was dropped off at her Pre-K class just a few hours ago. My tears are dripping onto my sleeping baby’s belly as I type this.

Boring is a word that I don’t remember using since I was about 12, maybe 11. My dad used to gleefully tell me how I was acting ‘so eleven’ which is what I remember most about that year so I probably was bored then. Since then though, and now, my life has been chaotic.

In my mind, and out of my mouth, anyone who knows me is well aware of these patterns I’m sure. I constantly am spewing the desires I have for a ‘stable’ or ‘secure’ life with ‘routine’ and ‘predictability’ however I’ve never experienced any of this!! I tell myself that ‘as soon as I/we get through this, things will be normal‘ though it doesn’t happen, even I wonder if I really want it? I think I do, but if I look at all that I do, do I really want that?

Maybe I do want that, consciously but unconsciously I have ‘programs‘ (as my Klemmer trained husband calls them) that are against this, and insist on keeping the chaos rampant in my life. I haven’t been through that program, maybe I will someday and then I’ll understand, at this point I don’t though. I am too busy chaotically living my life of chaos trying to make it calm down enough to learn what this word ‘relax’ means, because right now I don’t know.

My biggest fear is that my daughters will only know me as this high strung multi-tasking fake “normal wanter” who can’t seem to figure out what the words normal or calm really mean. It’s clear that my family, dysfunctionally raised from an established military upbringing thinks I’m nuts, or have such unrealized potential.

For me the concept of normal is about as foreign as this flying spaghetti monster I hear about.

For me sending my children away so I can go repetitively do the same thing over and over and over again sounds like pure insanity, I don’t understand the appeal. I haven’t been able to get a job anyway though so it’s not like that is a real option.

What I really want, is for my life, to make sense. Just a little bit of sense. Right now everything is a mess, I feel like an interruption to the world around me. My daughters watch me feverishly accomplish nothing spending my time online, while I explain that I’m trying to make money to make things better though nothing happens to support this.

I agree enthusiastically when people tell me I should write about my experiences, my experiences being sent away as a child to survival camp, running away from boarding school, MS, 9/11, stroke, and the abusive relationship that created my beautiful little girl and that I left behind etc. etc. but have I written? I have written a little bit, here and there but enough for a book? No. Do I know how to get started? I know I need to write, but I don’t know what comes after that. Do I try to take care of myself even? Yes, though I don’t think I’m doing a very good job, I’m getting medical treatment to feel better but all of that is leading to piles of bills that just remind me I’m broke. Then I start working, or writing, and then my daughter cries, or wants to be picked up, to drink mommy milk, go outside, or eat some food.

And it feels like I’ve failed, either at the working and writing by attending to their needs, or at mothering by spending time writing or working.

Balance is another word I need to become more familiar with. Maybe after I meet, my balanced self, I will be able to introduce her to my little beautiful girls who deserve so much more in a mom. I know she is in here somewhere.

All’s pretty well, I feel like I’m out of the mud most of the way and am in the process of wiping it off of me before the final rinse.

I get angry at people sometimes because I don’t take care of myself I realized. It is an interesting thing to realize. A crystal clear example would be related to the days/weeks after Hazel was born. Other people were going through trials at the same time, which I interpreted as less attention/concern for me. Reality is that it was completely irrelevant, other people have their own trials! The real guilty party was myself. If I needed more support and to relax more (which I did) I should have asked for it instead of wasting time musing over promises I interpreted as broken.

I still haven’t learned though. In fact, I think that since it took time to realize that, I’ve gotten worse. I’m not standing up for myself regarding the parties I’m throwing. Nobody is doing a thing to me, yet I’m suffering. Events are going too late at night, I want to be with my girls and likewise they want to be with me. I say it is getting worse because it is not just me suffering, it is them too. Tonight was a perfect example of a catastrophe caused by my decision to keep my parties late so as to fit someone else’s schedule (which was my choice). I did follow through with one lesson, which was to ask for help when it is needed, that was a success and I did get support where I asked for it, and Kenzie had a place to go while I had a party. However, the party went late, as they tend to do, and so by the time I went to get Kenzie she was EXTREMELY tired. Remember this girl got up around 6am this morning (again, because I didn’t stand up for her right to sleep), and she was still up late because I had made plans which interupted sleep whereas I could have requested a sleep over, or not had a party so late. So back to what happened, she’s tired, and when you have a tired 3 year old…rationale is completely irrelevent. I was carrying baby Hazel, and trying to explain to Kenzie, why she had to climb onto my back so we could walk home. I gave her the option of walking too, she didn’t care what I was saying, she was holding a beautiful big pink balloon that didn’t belong to her and was screaming loudly that she wanted and intended to keep it. I explained that we can’t take things that belong to our friends. I explained that if we do take things from our friends we won’t be welcome at their house anymore. I gave her the serious mom look that brings her to tears and said “Let go NOW.”. Finally I physically pulled the balloon out of her hands (not difficult, it was just a short string), might have burned a little bit. Then I insisted (begged/demanded) that it was time to go NOW and that Hazel needed to sleep (bad move, tried using the guilt trip method…didn’t work). I told her that I would carry her on my back. She said she wanted me to carry her on my front (I had Hazel in a carrier). I explained that someday we could put Hazel on my back when she is bigger and then I can carry K in front/H in back but tonight was not the time. She went back to screaming. Turned out that the screaming was over a little postcard for some kind of car show that the kids stumbled across…a good 20 minute bad tantrum…all about a postcard. Because I let the party go late. I scheduled the party late. I know parties go late. I decided to have the party anyway. I suffered. She sufferred. Hazel, who eventually had tears of sympathy sufferred too.

I need to respect all of us more. I need to make sure our sleep needs are met. I need to be clear about my needs and requests, ensuring that they all meet all of the required needs. I need to stop causing disasters.

Long story short…parties happen when there is something for the kids to do and doesn’t interrupt sleep.

I read my horoscope, tomorrow is supposed to be a really lucky day…I didn’t make any sales tonight, but I think I will go ahead and make a ton of calls when Hazel is asleep and Kenzie is at school. I’m going to make sure I eat too though, so I don’t get impatient with the girls when they want me off the phone. I’m also not going to drink too much caffeine for the same reason. I will also make sure I DO get my morning black tea, and zrii, AND some kind of food as opposed to todays half a breakfast sandwich, latte, smoothie, M&M’s, half a string cheese, and half a yogurt along with an english muffin with peanut butter.

I’m going to write some things I accomplished as well, I mailed 3 things that were waiting, one was rushed because it is for health insurance and needs to be done pronto so as to avoid hassle. I got that done and handled Hazel smoothly. I spoke to another parent about setting up playdates which is something I’ve been meaning to do. I cleared out the bathroom and made it look very clean and organized which still surprises even me. Same thing (almost) with the living room. Only funny part of all that is that I have not been able to find anything since, lol, cleaning frenzies don’t suit me & I’m okay with that. I’m very lucky that most nights that I have parties Geoff is home to be with the girls, and now that I have a pump he can even feed them both as well. What a relief, it’s an accomplishment for me to admit a pump is a good thing and will help us all because I’ve resisted it.

Tomorrow’s going to be a good day. I’m not angry with myself, though I can see how this post would look like it, I’m merely publically admitting I see fault in my behavior and stating my intention to improve it. It will happen, I’m on a journey of improving myself that has just started and I have a lot to get done, I’m not going to rush it though, nor will I waste any time.

I love this week, and I just had to record it somehow, I’m not going to write everything but it has been like a fairytale!!

It all started on Friday..I got directions from my manager, on her way out of town to “Stand up and give my opinion” something like that and who DOESN’T like directions like that?? I was SOO happy to hear that…I love responsibilities, decision making, problem solving and yeah, that’s what I’m doing!!

Then came the weekend…I was thinking about contacting someone, kind of a blast from the past and kind of brainstormed it all weekend. This eventually turned into a poem that got sent out and delivered a real life prince charming!! You can see the flowers below but believe me…there is so So SO much more. I feel like a real princess..

So I’ve been both ecstatic about my role at work and also my new found connection has been giving me a ‘natural high’ all week…I’m happy and like I say at the top…Life is good.

Oh, and plus I get to go to 3 maybe 4 parties this weekend!! I’m so excited!! Hopefully I’ll get some pictures up..

I just realized something funny, I’m reading this book, it’s about women’s sexuality. The further I get into it though it really is based on women’s health from a Taoist perspective. I love it! I’m taking much better care of myself.

For instance, last night I hurt my back, it was a stupid thing I was laying in the bec and tried to stay laying down when it was time to pick up Kenzie. Next thing I know there is a SHARP pain in my back. I didn’t think much of it all day because my office work didn’t trigger it, but man, when I picked up Kenzie? OUCH! So luckily, after a visit and nice dinner with my mom Kenzie went down nice and easy, so I grabbed the book and decided to take a hot bath, sooth my mind a bit and hopefully my back. In the book it talked about breathing and meditation to balance chi etc. it was all fun, it even totally recommended laughing!! The logic behind it made perfect sense to me. So then I get out of the bath, and I decided to work my abs, I figure my abs help support my back and they need to be stronger anyway. Plus of course I noticed there was a little bit more padding. It’s interesting because a few months ago my abs were flatter, and ironically I think it is because I started seeing a trainer…and working out MUCH less at home. So I did what is usually my ‘normal’ ab routine, lots of crunches, stretches, leans, I started doing pushups too but that hurt, my chest was still sore from my workout a few days ago. So then I started STRETCHING and man did it feel good. I pushed it too, I thought back to my Hapkido days and now amazed I was at how fast I was able to get more flexible. Eventually I found a good stretch that is hard to describe that really worked that part of my back that is sore! I’m glad because I think that means it’s definitely a tweaked muscle not a pinched nerve or anything, and now I’m going to religiously stretch it and keep up with my normal ab work. I was very happy with the way I looked a few months ago, and that’s all I was doing! So if I keep doing this AND the gym, it’ll be nice. I’m excited because I haven’t really gotten into the cardio yet and I know that’ll make a huge difference too.

SO yeah, was that totally boring? I don’ t care, I don’t think anyone is reading this anyway. For me this whole experience is very therapeutic and I am really enjoying the process of getting to really know and take good care of myself in every way, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally and much much more.

I think I base too much of life around my phone, I think that I will try and schedule ‘off’ times, during the weekend at least. So I’m forced to focused on my present reality and enjoy the moments I’m living as I live them.