My experience is either telling me:

1.) I need to chill, I must have insanely high expectations that may never be met and perhaps I should start taking some kind of a happy sedative drug while my girls are in school.

2.) I have my work cut out for me…clearly basic “Leadership” “Communication” and perhaps even “Management” or “Parenting 101″ requirements are non-existent in public schools, not to mention basic self care (health/diet/exercise), is it my imagination or are 90% of the teachers overweight? Maybe this comment should be in my first thought but if someone is teaching about healthy habits…shouldn’t they be practicing them too? I see this as “work” that I need to do advocacy and whistle blower-wise.

3.) I might need to just let her try it out, be diligent about providing ample learning opportunities at home and volunteer a lot. I feel like this is maybe what the school would like to see? It is difficult because as a non-paid problem fixer (how I see it) shows me a list about a mile long starting with things like:
*Get them a microphone that works or offer to help as a MC for their next meeting
*Offer to teach a course in public speaking that will show them a few techniques to quiet a noisy room of side talkers
*Explain the relevance of a “schedule” and recommend that part of encouraging adherence to one requires basic when/where/how information being communicated (ideally in advance and upon arriving to said events)
*Set up a parent email list for them/parents to communicate with
*Create a simple 8 item list (similar in style but shorter than the *to-do list I am writing here) that gives the outline for the content being discussed quietly in front of the parents so that we could have a slight bit of understanding, and for the ESL parents at least have something that someone can translate for them (I saw one table where a little bit of translation was happening and was a tad jealous they got the one on one information!)
*Creating an actual “Red” sign for the “Red Table” (it has a red dot that is barely visible that is red…nothing else)
*Repeat for other tables
*Print and laminate multiple copies of the kindergarten schedule to post around the room or at least by the sink for parents to see and take note of
*Print and laminate copies of the class lists so that parents can learn their child’s friend’s names, maybe offer to compile a communication list
*Send along any awesome dietitian or personal trainer groupon deals that come along

4.) Focus on finding a good private school (I have a few in mind) and get the applications in…holding her back a year to enroll next year if I need to.

5.) Get started with homeschooling!! The world really is turning the way of Idiocracy and Wall-E!!!

6.) Move to a snobby (rich?) neighborhood (outside Seattle?) where standards are being upheld

So yes number one might be the most accurate, which I am bummed about. Doesn’t everyone want to nourish the future? Are we really working to turn our children into clones who don’t think and either fail or excel (or both) when it bores them?

Sigh…

14 years later, seeing the story in TIME about the school I ran away from has hit me hard. On some days I feel kind of vindicated, and confirmed in my reasons for choosing the streets over this kind of residential treatment. Other days I feel lucky, lucky that I was brave. smart and capable enough to pull it off and get away, not to mention surviving on the streets long enough afterward to be able to continue life afterward.

I do not believe that it was the correct decision to send me away. As an adult looking back, and looking at teens I see around me I strongly believe that what most teens really need is attention and help in cultivating their interests. If you skip all the time between my being sent away and my graduating from high school and leaving home for college, it looks like it all worked out as planned. I always loved taking any kind of art class from pottery to drawing, origami, and much more. Upon graduating High School I went to and graduated from Parsons School of Design. Just to make one alternative obvious to me they could have put me into art therapy, or into an art class.

Parents however naive aren’t necessarily the ones to blame however, most parents who send these kids like myself to these ‘therapeutic’ treatment centers consult with people claiming to be professionals in the field, people called “therapeutic consultants” or “educational consultants” whose credentials are extremely hard to find and I’m willing to bet in many cases are non existent or come from a kit they ordered online. In my case the person recommending that my parents send me away (I’d been caught smoking pot) never met me. I’ve worked with children and I do not believe anyone’s untrained description of a child OR an adult can be taken as fact, or even as strong evidence regarding what they ‘need’. An adult who has been through challenges or is well trained should work with the child to do an evaluation and ideally eliminate the need for a child to be legally kidnapped into the desert.

I just read some absolutely comical and sickening ‘journal’ entries of a reporter claiming to have had a taste of the experience of one of these wilderness camps and it is laughable. It is very lighthearted and implies that the camp is not a boot camp but more of a boy scout camp. Comical, I wonder if she saw when they made a kid dig his own coffin? How often they are allowed to clean their bodies? My memory only recalls about 3 camp showers over the 54 days I was living in the desert, with only one change of underwear every week or two, is that humane?

Parents need to know there are other alternatives to this, and also need to learn the importance of community. If I had other family members or other members of the community who knew me and were looking out I would have had other places to go for help, for guidance. I agree with the title of Hilary Clinton’s book “It Takes a Village” wholeheartedly.

Today I realized that someone needs to figure out how to make parents aware of these needs and alternative actions they can take to preserve their relationship with their children and guide them to succeed by building their strengths, not breaking them down. It is my goal to step into this role as educating parents, teachers, guidance counselors and more about their options. There are not any real standards in this industry of ‘fixing’ teens and it is time there was.

Most of the kids getting into trouble are already broken down, it’s the last thing they need.

Anyway, I have gotten started and already had to stop, at least for today because I got to a part of my life that I do not have clear memory of. I have lots of random ‘scenes’ that pop up but don’t clearly fit together in my head. It is an interesting challenge to make a story out of the past with this kind of memory. At this point I am going to be digging for some of the old journals, though I know these do not tell the whole story, this part of my life I had no privacy and my journals were being read by other people daily and so were written in a way that they would be reading what I interpreted as content that would get me out of the situation. It had nothing to do with what I was really thinking and feeling in other words but I am hoping that it will still trigger some kind of memory so I can tell the story.

If the journals don’t help then I plan to write all those little excerpts and maybe that is how I will write them, it will be a kind of random set of memories that can be read as I remember them and maybe writing them like that I will find some kind of structure, I figure if I don’t then it just means they are meant to be communicated like this though.

I will also soon be writing some other ebooks with my husband for our other new site “A Niche To Scratch” as we are working together to help people to do what they are driven to do, and monetize their niche in life through the internet in ways that make sense.

Back to the life stuff though, I am thinking I might have to scan parts of the journal to put into the book as well as pictures.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I sure did. I was home with my girls and my husband who did ALL of the cooking in a wonderful couldn’t be better way. We did a little video of what we are grateful for and everything. Loved it as it was the best Thanksgiving ever, no pressure, no drama, all love. We spent the rest of the weekend having fun visiting family and running errands, it ended too soon.

I get angry at people sometimes because I don’t take care of myself I realized. It is an interesting thing to realize. A crystal clear example would be related to the days/weeks after Hazel was born. Other people were going through trials at the same time, which I interpreted as less attention/concern for me. Reality is that it was completely irrelevant, other people have their own trials! The real guilty party was myself. If I needed more support and to relax more (which I did) I should have asked for it instead of wasting time musing over promises I interpreted as broken.

I still haven’t learned though. In fact, I think that since it took time to realize that, I’ve gotten worse. I’m not standing up for myself regarding the parties I’m throwing. Nobody is doing a thing to me, yet I’m suffering. Events are going too late at night, I want to be with my girls and likewise they want to be with me. I say it is getting worse because it is not just me suffering, it is them too. Tonight was a perfect example of a catastrophe caused by my decision to keep my parties late so as to fit someone else’s schedule (which was my choice). I did follow through with one lesson, which was to ask for help when it is needed, that was a success and I did get support where I asked for it, and Kenzie had a place to go while I had a party. However, the party went late, as they tend to do, and so by the time I went to get Kenzie she was EXTREMELY tired. Remember this girl got up around 6am this morning (again, because I didn’t stand up for her right to sleep), and she was still up late because I had made plans which interupted sleep whereas I could have requested a sleep over, or not had a party so late. So back to what happened, she’s tired, and when you have a tired 3 year old…rationale is completely irrelevent. I was carrying baby Hazel, and trying to explain to Kenzie, why she had to climb onto my back so we could walk home. I gave her the option of walking too, she didn’t care what I was saying, she was holding a beautiful big pink balloon that didn’t belong to her and was screaming loudly that she wanted and intended to keep it. I explained that we can’t take things that belong to our friends. I explained that if we do take things from our friends we won’t be welcome at their house anymore. I gave her the serious mom look that brings her to tears and said “Let go NOW.”. Finally I physically pulled the balloon out of her hands (not difficult, it was just a short string), might have burned a little bit. Then I insisted (begged/demanded) that it was time to go NOW and that Hazel needed to sleep (bad move, tried using the guilt trip method…didn’t work). I told her that I would carry her on my back. She said she wanted me to carry her on my front (I had Hazel in a carrier). I explained that someday we could put Hazel on my back when she is bigger and then I can carry K in front/H in back but tonight was not the time. She went back to screaming. Turned out that the screaming was over a little postcard for some kind of car show that the kids stumbled across…a good 20 minute bad tantrum…all about a postcard. Because I let the party go late. I scheduled the party late. I know parties go late. I decided to have the party anyway. I suffered. She sufferred. Hazel, who eventually had tears of sympathy sufferred too.

I need to respect all of us more. I need to make sure our sleep needs are met. I need to be clear about my needs and requests, ensuring that they all meet all of the required needs. I need to stop causing disasters.

Long story short…parties happen when there is something for the kids to do and doesn’t interrupt sleep.

I read my horoscope, tomorrow is supposed to be a really lucky day…I didn’t make any sales tonight, but I think I will go ahead and make a ton of calls when Hazel is asleep and Kenzie is at school. I’m going to make sure I eat too though, so I don’t get impatient with the girls when they want me off the phone. I’m also not going to drink too much caffeine for the same reason. I will also make sure I DO get my morning black tea, and zrii, AND some kind of food as opposed to todays half a breakfast sandwich, latte, smoothie, M&M’s, half a string cheese, and half a yogurt along with an english muffin with peanut butter.

I’m going to write some things I accomplished as well, I mailed 3 things that were waiting, one was rushed because it is for health insurance and needs to be done pronto so as to avoid hassle. I got that done and handled Hazel smoothly. I spoke to another parent about setting up playdates which is something I’ve been meaning to do. I cleared out the bathroom and made it look very clean and organized which still surprises even me. Same thing (almost) with the living room. Only funny part of all that is that I have not been able to find anything since, lol, cleaning frenzies don’t suit me & I’m okay with that. I’m very lucky that most nights that I have parties Geoff is home to be with the girls, and now that I have a pump he can even feed them both as well. What a relief, it’s an accomplishment for me to admit a pump is a good thing and will help us all because I’ve resisted it.

Tomorrow’s going to be a good day. I’m not angry with myself, though I can see how this post would look like it, I’m merely publically admitting I see fault in my behavior and stating my intention to improve it. It will happen, I’m on a journey of improving myself that has just started and I have a lot to get done, I’m not going to rush it though, nor will I waste any time.

It all started on Friday..I got directions from my manager, on her way out of town to “Stand up and give my opinion” something like that and who DOESN’T like directions like that?? I was SOO happy to hear that…I love responsibilities, decision making, problem solving and yeah, that’s what I’m doing!!

Then came the weekend…I was thinking about contacting someone, kind of a blast from the past and kind of brainstormed it all weekend. This eventually turned into a poem that got sent out and delivered a real life prince charming!! You can see the flowers below but believe me…there is so So SO much more. I feel like a real princess..

So I’ve been both ecstatic about my role at work and also my new found connection has been giving me a ‘natural high’ all week…I’m happy and like I say at the top…Life is good.

Oh, and plus I get to go to 3 maybe 4 parties this weekend!! I’m so excited!! Hopefully I’ll get some pictures up..

For instance, last night I hurt my back, it was a stupid thing I was laying in the bec and tried to stay laying down when it was time to pick up Kenzie. Next thing I know there is a SHARP pain in my back. I didn’t think much of it all day because my office work didn’t trigger it, but man, when I picked up Kenzie? OUCH! So luckily, after a visit and nice dinner with my mom Kenzie went down nice and easy, so I grabbed the book and decided to take a hot bath, sooth my mind a bit and hopefully my back. In the book it talked about breathing and meditation to balance chi etc. it was all fun, it even totally recommended laughing!! The logic behind it made perfect sense to me. So then I get out of the bath, and I decided to work my abs, I figure my abs help support my back and they need to be stronger anyway. Plus of course I noticed there was a little bit more padding. It’s interesting because a few months ago my abs were flatter, and ironically I think it is because I started seeing a trainer…and working out MUCH less at home. So I did what is usually my ‘normal’ ab routine, lots of crunches, stretches, leans, I started doing pushups too but that hurt, my chest was still sore from my workout a few days ago. So then I started STRETCHING and man did it feel good. I pushed it too, I thought back to my Hapkido days and now amazed I was at how fast I was able to get more flexible. Eventually I found a good stretch that is hard to describe that really worked that part of my back that is sore! I’m glad because I think that means it’s definitely a tweaked muscle not a pinched nerve or anything, and now I’m going to religiously stretch it and keep up with my normal ab work. I was very happy with the way I looked a few months ago, and that’s all I was doing! So if I keep doing this AND the gym, it’ll be nice. I’m excited because I haven’t really gotten into the cardio yet and I know that’ll make a huge difference too.

SO yeah, was that totally boring? I don’ t care, I don’t think anyone is reading this anyway. For me this whole experience is very therapeutic and I am really enjoying the process of getting to really know and take good care of myself in every way, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally and much much more.

I think I base too much of life around my phone, I think that I will try and schedule ‘off’ times, during the weekend at least. So I’m forced to focused on my present reality and enjoy the moments I’m living as I live them.