Decided to Write

I’ve thought about writing about things like this. I’ve thought about writing about what it is like when my “MS Symptoms” happen.

Usually, by the time I realize I should or want to write about them something crazy happens, like my fingers/hands go numb or something.

This time, it’s my legs, and just my legs. In the past it’s been a full side, either my left or right side is just, “off”. Right now? It is my left leg that is the most messed up. My right leg for about a week had a strange numbness, it was more than numbness though, hot things felt cold, cold hot, and I was able to do things like was my legs, yet not feel it (no complaints with that one!!). My left leg though, is really weak. It was weak last week too but seemed to get better after a massage…so maybe I just need one of those. My left leg, basically feels like it is utterly exhausted. If you have ever lifted weights until the point of exhaustion, when you literally feel ‘gumby’ and like you can’t lift anything, and standing up (if you worked out your legs) feels close to impossible. That is about what my left leg feels like.

This means I can’t chase my kids.

This means that when I walk to work, crossing the freeway, I worry about if I might fall when I walk on the decline down the hill.

It means I really think about things like if I’m wearing shoes with heels or flats (I can ONLY wear heels if they are part of a boot and are supportive around my ankles…real heels would be like donating my ankles to a good cause!).

It means when I’m walking around my house, I actually kind of appreciate the unpacked boxes, because I can lean on them as I pass by.

It means that to find something to wear to work (yes I’m working full time now) I squat down to look in the dryer and when I ‘stand’ I fall, at least until I catch myself with my hands, because my right leg is so dramatically stronger than my left.

It means my toes are hitting almost every other step.

It means that it takes conscious effort, to empathize with a sprained back, or an ankle that got hurt, because I’m a little bit jealous that they can feel it enough to complain. I do empathize, but it is a very conscious effort.

It means I think about everything, as if it is my last day. We never know when our last day will be, and with such dramatic symptoms, it is clear that it could be WAAAY closer than expected.

It means I wonder if my stories will ever be told, be told loudly enough to make a difference.

It means I miss my kids, and sometimes am bawling at the thought I might never chase them again, or pick them up without first making sure that if I fall, I can grab something stable to keep them safe.

I don’t appreciate ANYTHING left on the floor. My toe catches. It catches on stairs, it catches when I walk downhill, and it absolutely catches on anything (blanket/clothes/toys) that I happen to step over on the floor.

Fortunately I haven’t had any bad falls yet.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to remember all I did to try and help my condition last week. See, last week, I got WAY better. Or should I say that two weeks ago, it was bad like it is now, but then at the end of that week, I took care of myself. I got a massage, I did what I had to do. I saw my naturopath and stocked up on things like GABA to ease my mind, CALM (magnesium) for the same reason. Then this week happened.

I have been trying to stretch the Psoas (sp?) that was deemed ‘tight’ doing yoga positions like “Pigeon” whenever I can. Doing mini lunges one one foot and one knee.

I have been focusing on how much I love my legs. How much I appreciate my legs.

I have completely broken down when with my kids because I’m scared that I might not be able to chase them again.

I feel self conscious when I walk around outside, because though I’m sober for the most part, I worry that I look drunk. I pick up my son, but then I worry, I feel guilty that if I take one step “wrong” then I could fall and he could be hurt.

I’m taking my fish oil, my GABA, my DHEA, my multivitamin, Vitamin D, and Magnesium.

I’m praying to the world to please give me my legs back, and let me feel better. Let me use my body.

About Kristin

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