I have not figured it all out.
I am still intermittently frozen in fear at the reality of what being a housewife, or even just being a mom at home entails.
Sometimes it seems so simple…just pick a place for everything and keep putting it back right?
But when does everything get a place. What can I do with the kids while I do this? Even just while I’m writing this there is Hazel next to me playing with stickers and Zazen is crying because he wants me to pick him up.
Cleaning up while holding a baby is really hard. Especially a baby that is getting big but doesn’t really understand the whole “hold on to mommy” part of things.
I want help, someone to help me figure out this mess of stuff, watch the kids so I can shower, maybe help me set up a meal plan to grocery shop for (or plan a list!) but finding someone to do that costs money. Why? Because it does, I haven’t found any other way. I even did hire some people a few weeks ago and part of the results were great…but then nothing happened after that. It FEELS like I’m working on it, I’m forever busy and trying to get stuff done but then…
“No clean shirts? If you do laundry every day how can there not be any clean shirts?”
I woke up and mumbled “I don’t know, I remember folding them aren’t they there?” “no.”
It all feels like an illusion. I’m not actually doing anything and the simple stuff is impossible. I am a failure at being a mom and a wife at home.
I think I had better get a job so I can delegate these responsibilities that are clearly over my head.