My Parents Don’t Want Me

“My Parents Don’t Want Me” a reality based story written from the perspective of a troubled teenager, expelled from a family, experimenting with drugs & sex, lack of love & acceptance, memories of boot camp & therapeutic boarding school. It is told from one characters perspective and may be offensive to some as there are curse words and uncomfortable situations discussed.

I can tell my parents don’t want me. Doing anything right doesn’t get me anything. My mom cries all the time, she is fighting with him, it has been like that for years and all I know is she is sad he doesn’t love her anymore. I wonder sometimes though if she cries because she has me? Maybe I’m just too unbearable a daughter for her to claim or spend time raising alone. He is just busy with the next her, who changed a lot until he met number two, now it’s all about her and who he is is foreign to me. I always believed what he said when he said he loved me and he would be with us, but that was a long time ago. I am a teenager now and I don’t fall for that crap, clearly if he wanted to be anywhere near me or my mom he would be here. He doesn’t want anything to do with me either.

Honestly the god honest truth is, (what does god honest truth mean anyway, what about this ‘god’ concept is honest?), I don’t want them either. They call themselves “adults” but honestly, if that is all there is to look forward to? I’d like to die soon, I figure a good time to die is 17. I figure that at 17, like Bobby Brown says, I’m just about perfect “a girl with a dream, seventeen” and why would I want to expire? I don’t want to be a crying old lady who wants to be rescued and doesn’t even care about dating anymore. I don’t want to be stuck with some dick head who disrespects me and lies to my kids either. I probably shouldn’t have kids, I’d fuck them up because nobody ever raised me, how would I ever know how to raise anyone? 17 is where it is at, I will just live life to the fullest until then, and it will be time to go.

My teacher is such a bitch, first day of school and she is being sarcastic, at least she talks to me I guess, I can’t believe I have to deal with this drama for a whole year. I don’t even remember what class she teaches, only that her face looks like wax and she is a bitch. Oh yeah, that teacher? She was cool, I actually like listening to her, but she keeps sending me in the hall, see it’s like this; I love drawing, it helps me listen and focus on what I’m hearing, but this lady has not learned yet that there are many kinds of listening/learning styles, hell I don’t know either I just kind of compulsively feel the need to keep drawing, but I will learn this about 15 years later when I do end up having kids. My drawing meant that I WAS listening, but she didn’t know that, made me an example, sent me sitting in the hallway, a lot. It really feels like she doesn’t want me either, but hell, at this point I’m wondering, “who does?”!

He does, him too. I like the way he looks at me, and touches me too. Nobody really knows, his parents do I guess, they seem to be around, but my mom’s at work, doesn’t know I’m out, and my dad sure as hell doesn’t, he just sends a check to my mom on occasion, so I hear anyway, we don’t have any money so it sure doesn’t seem like it. Anyway back to him, I really want to try it with him, I love him, and I think he will be my first. Is that him though? Walking with her? FUCK I can’t STAND that girl!! She is perfect in just about every way and I thought he hated her as much as I did, why are they holding hands? FUCK!! Maybe I’ll give him a call, I’ll be in california soon anyway, maybe he’ll come pick me up, I know that he wants me…let me see if I can find that number.

Oh my gosh…I can’t believe he is coming to pick me up!! I hope I can sneak out quietly enough, I am sure I will, they don’t pay attention anyway. I am so excited!!! I love the irony, his car is the same make, model and color as my dad’s car, it is so funny. I guess he will never know that I am losing my virginity right across the street in a car just like his…ha! I hear dad’s don’t want their girls doing stuff like that, I don’t remember him ever saying anything, whatever though, once I’ve done it then I will know what all those songs are talking about, I’ll be a real woman then. I am a real woman!! It wasn’t just like those magazines, there wasn’t really much room to do it like that but I am not a virgin anymore!! I’m looking at the mirror smirking, they have no idea.

I don’t care about him and her anymore, I’m back home and ooh look at this guy!! He is older and he likes ME!!! Damn I feel good to be getting attention. I am getting attention at school too, I love smoking pot and I want to try as many other drugs as I CAN, hell, when we read about them in school, all I see is that they are an escape…a chance to get away from this hell I am stuck living in until I die at 17 or am an adult a year later and can get the fuck out of here. They don’t want me here anyway, so who cares? Worst thing that will happen is I’ll die, and ooohhhh I’m sure they’ll care SO much then, yeah right.

I’m getting off the bus downtown, oh my gosh, is that guy saying coca? I think he is offering me some! I never knew a way to get some but I think he likes me and he’ll give me some! It’s never been hard to get weed, shrooms or acid, enough of my friends parents have or sell that to get it for free but coca, I think that is like cocaine right? I’m kind of cold…he is letting me wear his jacket, that is nice! I kind of wish we weren’t walking so far away from downtown…I am so excited to try this coca out though, haha, whatever it is!! Oh wow…this is definitely cocaine, I can tell because, oh man, my face is totally numb!! Ugh why is he grabbing me now! I need to get out of here…I kind of remember which way to go…shoot. “Oh, um excuse me, can you please let me know which way it is to pioneer square?” I ran up to these people, they look concerned, oh good he’s staying back there, “Can you show me? I get kind of confused with the streets…See you later!” It worked…he stayed back there and these people are walking me out of what looks like Chinatown or something. Whew, I made it. That was a TRIP!! It felt pretty good to be high on that stuff but I think he was going to rape me…I’m glad he wasn’t bigger than he was or I might have not been able to squirm away, shoot the way he kept pulling on my jacket freaked me out! It was nasty the way he kept kissing my face too. Oh well, I have to get to sleep.

Who is this lady? Oh brother, asking me about drugs, she doesn’t have a clue, and I can’t believe that my friend was busted, didn’t rat on me, and the school STILL called my mom!! Sure we were going to sell the weed so we could get some acid, but if anyone knew the kind of boring life and drama we had to be ‘sober’ for they’d want to get high too! People have no idea what we kids go through, it is fucked up they can tell us what to do. I hope that cocaine doesn’t show up, I think it’s been less than 72 hours…I told her I tried it once, I can’t believe that I’m literally being tested after doing it the first time. I’m totally honest, I do smoke weed a lot but I have only tried that once, I SWEAR. She doesn’t believe me I don’t think…oh well, I don’t give a fuck what they think anyway. Maybe I’ll get sent to rehab or something and get a break from my life.

What do you mean it is time to wake up? No it isn’t! It is so many hours earlier than usual, why are you being so dramatic? She walks out…I look at the bed under mine…she is gone too, what is going on!!

Who is that man? He is huge and he is standing in the doorway to my room!! Oh I get it…I guess I do get to go to rehab. Oh well this will be interesting. Oh wow, she already packed up a backpack for me and everything, that’s cute. Are you serious? We are flying to Las Vegas? So cool!!! I can’t believe I’m flying with some hot jock looking dude to Las Vegas…maybe I’ll run away there and live. Oh now I’m going with this guy? Alright, he seems cool, first guy was kind of slow anyway, I’m sure I could have gotten away but I am curious about where on earth they are taking me. I’m writing all about it in my sketchbook, someday I know I’ll want to read this and I’m right, unfortunately by the time someday comes, so much has happened this sketchbook and so many others are gone, nobody loves my story but me, they don’t realize it is all that I have.

Are you serious? We came all this way to take a test in some little portable in Utah? Oooookay! Grown ups are so weird, I could have taken a test anytime, I’m good at tests. It’s just me and this kid taking it, what is his problem anyway I wonder why he tried to run? It surprised me to see him laying in the back seat in handcuffs…he must not have been very sneaky, doesn’t he know that if he really wants to get away he needs to play along?

Okay, this isn’t cool. It is so dirty! How will I take care of my contacts? I can’t believe I’m in the desert, with a bunch of dirty ass kids sitting in a dirt circle eating, what the hell are they eating? So gross…17 is too long, maybe I’ll cut out at 14, this is insane. Really? My spoon is a stick that I will find? I’m burning a kind of bowl into the stick I found, apparently this is my spoon, that is so gross, and they expect me to cook my food in the fire, then clean my cup, and spoon, with dirt.

I’m glad keeping my contacts in my nasty water bottle works, at least I can see, even though it does hurt to put them in my eyes, ha, they don’t care, I think they think it is funny. It’s been a while now, I can’t believe I actually had sweat dripping off my face, I can’t believe how bad I smell, I can’t believe how bad THEY smell, boys are so nasty!!! I’m finally getting a shower, what is it day 12? 17? Oh wow, that’s what the dishwashing soap is for? Ok, so I’m washing up using water dripping out of a bag, cold as hell, and lathering up with dish soap. That was weeks ago, I have been wearing my bloody underwear for like, a week and a half. I had no pads, no tampons, and only one roll of toilet paper, I tried to roll some of that up but whenever I had to pack up and make my backpack or hike it is like I can feel the blood oozing out of my body into my underwear and down my leg. I tried to wipe some of it off with toilet paper wet with my pee. I hope nobody sees this, I’m SO glad my pants are dark blue. He told me my rigged up pack is about 50 pounds, it sure seems like a lot…at least I’ll be in shape when I get out of here, why is my poop green?

I don’t think any of them can see us…I can’t believe he has any interest in me when I am so nasty…WHAT!!?? Everyone else is moving on but me and him have to stay back? Some of them get to go home? FUCK FUCK!!! Oh my gosh are you serious? Wow…my shrink quit and you think they are just having me stay so the new one can start all over and get to know me? I was the last one with him as a patient? What do they know I saw him like twice? Oh they were waiting to hire a new one..that’s fucked up, once again paying consequences for the actions of some stupid adult creature.

Are you kidding me? They want to send me to a what? Oh just for a month…I can handle that, do they have toilets? Cool…Man, I have lived like this for 54 days, I’m finally getting out. So corny, they want us to run up to our stupid parents? Ok whatever, I’ll do what I need to so I can get out of here.

HA!! Comical, they are wearing white? They are so grossed out by me, I can tell, they don’t even want to hug me, it might get their clothes dirty!! I am so ill…I guess McDonalds really is bad, my first food out and I feel like I’m dying!!! Really, you want to comment on the dirt ring in the bathtub? Do you realize I have taken about three showers out of a plastic bag, and one bath in a river all cold and using dishsoap? Did you expect me to be clean? YOU ARE THE ONE THAT DID THIS TO ME WHY ARE YOU GROSSED OUT BY ME???

They still don’t want me, clearly. Alright, I’ll go there for a month, they say I need it to transition back into ‘real life’ whatever that means. People are psycho here…yeah that girl followed me around for like 2 weeks, claimed she was assigned to it, NOT, she got in trouble, she’s not supposed to follow me. Oh him? I don’t know what his problem is, he talks about being permafried a lot though, maybe something to do with that? Oh they are all psycho…we have to yell at each other, and I swear the ones who have been there a while LOVE it, I can tell it is like it feeds their energy, they just pull stuff out of their ass and accuse people of it so they can yell at them until they are crying. Wow, I never thought I would see tears flying out of some dudes face, I didn’t know that was possible!! Just a few more days and it will be a month…I haven’t even been able to talk to them yet, how are they making arrangements?

Yes it’s been a month, yes it’s going great, (I have to keep saying this, it’s tapped and they’ll disconnect if I say otherwise, I’m playing along so they won’t go psycho on me in group), wait, what do you mean two years? Two and a half years? You can’t be serious!!! Ok, I need to step my game up…

I’m building friendships, they are all fake, I know I’m leaving, I started planning that day of the phone call, they lied yet AGAIN!! Told me one month and after a month now it’s two and a half years? Clearly fucking grown ups don’t give a fuck what they say, they just lie their heads off for whatever reason. I can not trust them it is all up to me.

We have been communicating through secret notes and signals…we were even able to kiss once it was like some kind of secret agent move or something, if anyone saw us our cover would have been BLOWN. We are meeting at 1am, just have to get out of the cabin, off the gravel, past the other cabins, through the woods, to that road, if we keep going that way we’ll hit a road, and if we turn left we’ll hit the highway…just a few more hours, I have my stuff in my laundry bag, I fixed that squeak and I have my gravel walking technique down.

I think I made it..but where is he? I am sure it is past one…would he have left? Did he get caught? All I can do is wait…who knows what will happen. I am SO glad to see you!! I love the way he is just taking me down, this is love, I love the way he is just taking me on the gravel right here on the side of the road…alright lets get our story straight.

“Did you see our car back there? I can’t believe it broke down so late!! We have been walking for hours, are you by chance headed to Portland? Oh really a sheriff? Thank you so much for the ride…it sure is dark out and we are lucky that you came along!!”

My friends have got to be here somewhere..they always hang here, oh look!! Hold up let me take off my hat, they won’t recognize me otherwise (I have my hair covered up so cops don’t recognize the description of me) why are they mad at me????

I am so glad I made it, so glad to see them and all my friends are pissed? WHAT??? They said I just moved to California? My ass!!! They sent me to fucking bootcamp in UTAH, I have gone through hell and just ran away from a psycho boarding school, man I gotta go. Don’t tell any cops or anyone you saw me, please, they might send me back, thanks for the couple of bucks.

In and out of Portland by about 9:30, that was slick!! I knew we couldn’t stay there, they’d be expecting me to go there, yeah, lets go there, lots of other homeless teens right? We’ll blend in…

I didn’t know I could survive on sugar and coffee…I’m glad there is a McDonalds every now and then with sugar packets to grab. Oh nice where is it again? The spot with the bottomless $1 cup of coffee? Nice…

Can you believe that guy paid us to wear those shorts? To work in his garden? What a weirdo!! I bet he was jerking off or something watching us. At least he gave us some dough and we can eat now!!

Yeah we are new to town, I’m pregnant and he needs a job, that’s what we told them, that’s how we got all this food and a hotel for a little while, nice right?

It’s been all night…again…where has he been? Is he in that white van? I know he got some stuff from there before, he has no idea what I just did with dude on that bench, lol, serves him right though, he shouldn’t disappear like that! She seems to care, says she’ll drive me to California…that its time for me to go home, she is such a Harley chick!! She really seems to care though she was about to beat those people up!! Plus her dope is good, we’ll have fun on this trip!

“I will come home, but if you ever send me away again, at some point I will get out, and this time I won’t come back.”

I LOVE it here in California…it is like I’m plugged into where I was when I was a kid, best friends I have ever had and I’m not even getting into trouble!! Sure we party every now and then but things are going great, not getting caught, not taking things too far. Plus I have an awesome boyfriend, lol, it’s cute, he’s the second one I de-virginized since I got here, I love him so much, I hope we can get married or something, he is so smart!!

WHAT!!?? Of course, I got too comfortable, leaving in a week? Right before Valentines Day? It’s only been a few months though, I love it here!!

Oh right, I don’t matter.

I’ll stay in his parents yacht, they’d never expect that…oh wait, it looks like my room has a window close enough and big enough to climb out of. I guess if it’s bad enough I can always leave…I’ll try it out.

NO I will not go to a junior high!! I am a Sophomore!! I have already had a year of High School I’m not going back to school with the stupid rich ass kids around here!!

Fuck everyone, things were finally good, they don’t know what’s going on, why bother trying to do right, I’m a kid anyway I can’t do SHIT, the classes are boring as hell, I won’t waste my time in there. Yeah let’s do it, I’m sick of this. Is that a cop behind me? Is that why they are stalling?

Probation, rehab, AA, apparently I’m an alcoholic, isn’t that funny? No, I never really drank, no I haven’t used since I got in trouble, I don’t know that’s what they say, if I say I’m not then I’m in denial.

No I’m not allowed in that part of the house, no laundry without permission, I can’t wait to get out of here.

Clearly I’m never to be trusted, they don’t want me, we are all just tolerating each other until I can get the fuck out of here. I’m finally 16 and can drive, I am SO glad that I found running start, finally had a guidance counselor pay enough attention to realize I was bored out of my mind.

No more trouble for me, I’m working now, taking classes in college, friends with other adults, sure I’m not technically an adult but I can talk to them, the ones I don’t have to deal with as a teen are very cool and able to hold a conversation. My ticket to NYC is for right after graduation…

15 years later, man, I remember that place, it was psycho, really shut down? FINALLY, they figured out how psycho it was, child abuse, I’m totally not surprised, you mean that I was right way back then? I wasn’t just a punk? I knew it!! I didn’t want to turn out psycho like those other kids. Did you hear? No comment.

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2 Responses to My Parents Don’t Want Me

  1. Kristin says:

    If you are a teen and you are feeling like this, you are not alone, but it will get better, there are things you can do to make it better.

    Look into Running Start, that’s what they call it where I was, if it has another name what to look for is taking classes at a college. Look into emancipation, look into talking to a school counselor who might have a clue and know that soon you will not be stuck like you feel right now.

    There are people who will love you for who you are, it needs to start with you.

  2. Bev says:

    Kristin – I know what God (Big-G) Honest Truth is!
    The one true God who created the world and everything in it created it all GOOD. But the world is corrupted and all the lies, hate, abuse and evil that you suffered is defined as BAD because we have a standard of GOOD to compare it to. I’m thankful that we have a living God who loves us, pursues us, redeems us through His Son, Jesus, and desires only good for us. I’m so glad you have found peace, joy, love and hope for the future. Best wishes and blessings, Bev.

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