Being a mom is wonderful. The experience of my body expanding, filling with the multiplying cells originating from a moment of passion and the violent exiting of those cells in the form of a new person brings about many many feelings. Something that starts so intimately, then gets even more intimate when you feel movements of this little being that nobody else can even comprehend and is so strong just between carrier and package gets stronger and stronger up until the end. The end is excruciating, my body deciding that the time is now, get out of my body now. Knowing that the beautiful connection felt only inside of me is now public. It is shared, claimed, stamped and repossessed. Instead of being a part of me, now what was created within is expelled and made independent creating new connections not involving the source at all.
Now, I feel a longing, to find a purpose within myself, by myself and me. However I feel that my purpose is to nourish, and watch as all around me grows in mind body and spirit, while I stagnate. feel like my insides are just rotting. Where I felt at different points in my life I had potential, saw potential, and claimed, shouted and rejoiced in the potential that I felt, there is now what feels like a sentence placed on me to wait because it isn’t my turn. Just have faith that someday it will be, and I’ll have my chance. I have passion, stories, lessons along with fears, and terrors that need to be dealt with, and I hope that I’m able to find a way to deal with that soon, be it through my paintings, talking, listening or just crying my eyes out. I want to really be okay with and love myself just like I seem to.
I just called into a show, a blog talk show of psychics and was told I need to embrace scary parts of myself to reach my potential, so I am taking this as a sign that it is time to share my stories so I can reclaim this energy being used to hold it in…now I just need to figure out how I’m going to do this.
Maybe I have reached my life story rock bottom…or filled it to the top so much it is over flowing, and I just need to embrace them as a part of me rather than just pack them down to be ignored.