I confess that yes…this may be somewhat hormone driven.
It has been going on for about four weeks now, really some time before that but it stepped to another level 4 weeks ago. What I’m talking about is the realization that my baby, my Kenzie-girl, who made me a mother in the first place is growing up. OBVIOUSLY all kids are growing up, to announce it probably seems really silly to those of you without kids as I admit it is a total ‘duh’ statement. But seriously, she is growing up! Each day that goes by, when I leave her at night to go have ‘grown-up’ time I tear up and often cry, feeling like I’ll wake up tomorrow and she’ll be in high school or something, she’ll be 4 in September if you don’t know how old she really is.
There is so much of her that is still an infant…if she is tired or hungry, the id comes out and she cries, yells, hits, does anything to communicate that there is some need not being met. I confess that as much of an enforcer as I am, I love to pick her up and cradle her til she stops crying, then the grown-up part happens and we have a talk about whatever it is that happened/is happening and she’ll nod her sweet little head at me with her dewy eyes and crack some kind of a joke or something before she runs off to play.
Yesterday it jumped to another level when we went to church (UU) and both Kenzie and Hazel had a blessing ceremony which was amazing and very surprising because it turned out to be JUST Kenzie and Hazel. We’d discussed it with the pastor and confirmed the week before but I had no idea that there wouldn’t be other kids involved, it really was an honor. I think for Kenzie it made her feel kind of shy until she realized that she got a rose at the end, which is precious, the beautiful pink flower made it all ok. She reached over and hugged Hazel (who was in Geoff’s arm too…total Kodak moment but I don’t think anyone had a camera) too which was just so achingly sweet. It was a while after this that I really came close to a full break down of sobbing…and that was when the children were read a story, well, we all were, that was about a mother who sang a song to her son as a baby, a toddler, a kid, teenager, man, etc. until she passed away and it was one of the sweetest simplest songs I’ve heard (that doesn’t go along to the ABC tune!). Most of the church sang along, many through tears I’m sure. Now I have brought the song into our routine, singing it to Kenzie and Hazel at night…I’ll type the words here since there is NO way I’m singing and posting an audio clip!:
I love you for-e-ver
I like you for al-ways
So long as I’m li-ving
my baby you’ll be…
I’ve been repeating it about 8-12 times a night at least I think…Kenzie will sing along too and switches the baby for the word mommy…totally breaks my heart in a good way, in that it’s growing more than it seems possible.
She also attended the same sibling preparation class that we took her to before Hazel was born and she was the only big sister there. She got to show everyone else ages 2-7 how she holds her baby sister, and she didn’t even get upset when all the other kids got a turn to holding Hazel, I’m consistently amazed at how generous she is, I learn so much from her and hope to someday be as thoughtful and selfless as I see her being so often. I can see her being one of those women who buys a yummy muffin or something she’s been waiting for all day, takes a bite, see’s someone who is hungry and gives them the whole thing with a real smile on her face.
Now I see my new little tiny almost-four-week-old girl stirring across the table where she’s on her patient and loving daddy’s chest…just about time to go sing goodnight to her too now so long as I can stop crying too much to sing!! My day started this morning beautifully with Hazel giving me a little smile…she woke up before Kenzie and gave me three smiles looking right at me, absolutely made my day start out beautifully.