Ok, so I just took a glance at my post from earlier today (or I guess technically yesterday since it’s just after midnight) and am thankfully seeing that it is not a healthy way to be feeling.
Fortunately…I have a huge amount of self help books around to investigate what is going on and analyze the hell out of it…I even have a husband who is often more than willing to talk about it or “work through it” with me, which is very cool.
We had a hard time getting the kids to bed again tonight and it was an interesting evening too…maybe they are related but here it goes:
As you can see from my last post I was NOT a happy camper today. I was being very very hard on myself and was saying things to myself about myself that nobody should ever have to hear, terrible hateful things that I didn’t include in the post.
Jump back a few days now…in Church last Sunday there was a workshop introduced (or at least it was the first time I’d heard of it) that is basically setting intentions for 2012. Geoff signed me up for it (with my permission of course) with the logic being that since he might be heading off to California to do a course that hopefully I’ll do sometime too then I should be able to get the priority slot at this one (we didn’t have childcare organized so it was kind of an either or). I didn’t have any argument with that logic so I went to the first night last night! Back to the day I heard of it though…they were handing out these little cards for us to write an intention or two down, and to specify the characteristics we would need, bring out, utilize, something like that as well.
I didn’t even hesitate before I wrote something about making peace with my past and using the stories to help people. That was on the day I heard of the class…
So then last night…I’m there by myself and all’s well, I’m not really talking much aside from when we are instructed to but then I meet a woman who seems really nice…and long story short, she has a daughter my age. Her wish is to stop arguing so much with her daughter. That just about knocked me over…I felt like we talked for a reason and it was kind of a sign that some of the issues that need to be forgiven relate to my parents…
Then when I left last night it was even more of a kind of sign…my car was next to another car with no cars within about 3 spaces…it had been packed previously…and the car next to mine was the same make and model of my dad’s car from my childhood.
BAM BAM…ok, guess I will be working out these issues with my parents in the following weeks!! I am friendly with my parents but I do have some deep seated issues that I haven’t yet, “come to peace” with if you will….though I do think they are inspiring a couple of business models for other parent’s like me, I’ll talk about “Adopting a Grandparent” and my ideas around that in another post.
So then today I was a grump, like I keep mentioning. Geoff came home cooked a wonderful dinner and went to kung fu, I was still having a hard time and then when he got home…EVERYTHING CHANGED.
I could tell he was having a hard time figuring out how to say what he was trying to say, which is not like him. Eventually it came out though, basically that not to far down the road, he saw a girl holding up a sign asking for help, he saw her both on the way to and from his class, and that she had a four month old baby.
I went from feeling like a victim to visualizing how we could help extremely fast. I was also cycling through my memories to the time that I was that mom…Kenzie was 6mo when I left my ex.
When I left him, I did not know where I was going. It did all work out, and fortunately I had most of my stuff in storage already as well as having my sisters car which carried all we needed to live for the next six months fortunately.
But long story short…while I don’t know her circumstances, I do know that I have been through at least some of what she is going through now, and I wanted to help her and her baby.
He was kind of trying to figure out what I thought of him going to get her, if I was comfortable with it and whatnot…I think he was maybe a little bit surprised when I had a chance to think about it and said, “I want to go.” I’d been asking him to stay with the kiddos when he got back so I could go work out so we decided I’d go back, see if I could find her, and then if not go to the gym.
The story gets a lot less interesting now but it was very enlightening at the same time…she was gone. I circled the area a few times and carefully looked at all the storefronts/bus stops and noted every steamy car I saw because I knew that probably meant someone was inside…the most suspect one didn’t look like it had a carseat in in though. Geoff suggested that we assume the best and choose to believe that she is getting help from someone, so I am doing my best to do that.
I did go to the gym, had a very fast 30 minute workout on the eliptical and am glad that I did so. I had really wanted to get out and I needed that break. If tomorrow is hard again or if it is hard on another day I’ll definitely just drag the kids in there and get my workout on…I even saw some other kids there that late which was definitely in the evening.
When I came home nobody was asleep and I wanted to read a book, just to establish a peaceful/boring environment for them to fall asleep…and this one called [amazon_link id=”0553381407″ target=”_blank” ]Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life[/amazon_link]was sitting by my computer. I remembered being interested in it but didn’t recall if it was one that I liked or not, I didn’t really remember ever reading it.
I read some of the beginning and did see some things that I related to…not just as a child but as a parent. It was a REAL eye opener…
So, the point to all these very different stories is that I need to GIVE MYSELF SOME CREDIT and STEP INTO MY BEING!!
I came from hell, it was not easy to leave my ex, couch hop between friends and family for six months and then coordinate a move and set up a new life on the other side of the country with my baby! I did it though. It was not easy to put her in daycare, find a very good job and focus on that and watching her grow up away from me while I worked on building and providing a stable life for us, including me getting my first apartment on my own! I did it though!!
I have done a hell of a lot, and that’s not even close to half of it. I need to stop beating myself up and I need to STOP WHINING. I remember therapists from the terrible group therapy I was forced to attend after getting into trouble as a kid saying to “get off the pity pot” at moments like this…and that is exactly what I need to do now.
I need to stop complaining about my responsibilities as a mom and recognize that we are in a GOOD SPACE right now. We are safe, we have a roof over our heads, we have eggs, and more important than anything, I have my three lovely kids and my lovely husband too.
I am a great, loving, and passionate mom. I love my kids and they definitely know it. I need to know it too and to give myself the same kind of treatment. I WILL TAKE A SHOWER TOMORROW in other words…I am also an impulsive leader that volunteers quickly to help people out, often not ensuring that my needs will also get met…that is something to work on this year. I stared that last night by NOT volunteering as a leader even though I felt instinctively like I should, but I thought about it and decided that I’m so overwhelmed with “home” right now that it doesn’t make sense to pile more on top…not yet. I have work to do with other organizations and with myself first. I might step up and take over a group I created years ago though…it’s a meetup group that I let slide during my pregnancy that I saw is in need of being adopted again and I have some ideas to take it to another level…still pondering that one though.
So yes! Even though technically it is tomorrow, I still feel like today is the day that is yesterday and I’m happy to say I’m going to bed with a peaceful smile on my face…and everyone else is finally asleep which is how I was able to write so much here, 1590 words in 32min … not bad!!